I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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