one might say we're banned from that church
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
