You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
