I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There's always time for handjobs
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
