Don't you send me to vm
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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