Soap is not a condiment
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Someone stole a lamp last night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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