Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I need moral support for this bender
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
