Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you made out with another girl for some wings
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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