that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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