As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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