I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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