You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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