I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
