Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
