Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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