I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Randomize
