So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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