he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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