you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
FUCK WHALES
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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