We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
