I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
