I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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