I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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