Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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