Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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