i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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