where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
