We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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