why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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