she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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