So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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