You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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