What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
