yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
