You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
