The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
