It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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