I wish my penis had an off switch
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
