just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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