This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
