I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
