You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
