I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
bring money and cleavage
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
