Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm passing your future prison.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
