He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
