I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
