I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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