I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
