Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
