So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I puked a lego.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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