It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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