Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
