I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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